tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24087625.post3122997827238964484..comments2023-11-05T00:19:30.325-07:00Comments on Seething Mom: Oh how I wish every "coming out" story went as well as this...Seething Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589584407018948285noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24087625.post-79773967736721934862012-02-24T14:19:21.746-07:002012-02-24T14:19:21.746-07:00Yet again, Jarred, you are such a valuable asset t...Yet again, Jarred, you are such a valuable asset to the conversation. And you provide what I cannot, a perspective from the other side of the equation.<br /><br />I will say this though, when I am at PFLAG meetings and a mom or a dad starts describing what their emotions were, how they reacted, and why they said the things they said when they found out their child was g,l,b,or t there is often some surprise or even shock from the glbt people in the room as they realize that maybe they misinterpreted their own parents reactions when they came out. <br /><br />At the time I found out, I know, without a doubt, I said some dumb things to my son in that initial conversation. And I know I said some things that may have been over the line and embarrassing for him as well, and I have admitted this many times, in my essays posted here on this blog, to him, and in PFLAG meetings, but at the meetings, I also explain why I said those things and the fears that fueled them. You'd be surprised how many times an lgbt person will respond with surprise and actually say, I never thought about it that way and maybe I just assumed my parent was saying those things out of animus but they were really saying it out of concern or fear. <br /><br />And this is why I am willing to cut this woman a whole lot of slack. Her heart was in the right place and at no point in that conversation did she show anything but unconditional love. She may at some point, as I did, realize that she said some dumb things. But let's not also forget that she was learning something that her son had had known and grappled with for a while. He was coming from a more comfortable and well-versed position than she was. And for that reason, it is my opinion that she is allowed to make a few faux pas as long as the end result is complete acceptance and unconditional love. The rest comes with time and open dialogue between them.Seething Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13589584407018948285noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24087625.post-9473399964766477112012-02-24T10:57:50.052-07:002012-02-24T10:57:50.052-07:00Overall, I admire this woman for loving, accepting...Overall, I admire this woman for loving, accepting, and supporting her son. I also salute her for doing a bit of personal research on the topic of homosexuality and even trying to get an idea of how other QUILTBAG people might feel and what their experiences are like.<br /><br />However, as a gay man, I also feel a great deal of sympathy for the young man in this video. He clearly feels overwhelmed by and uncomfortable with his mother's reaction at times. I totally get that too. If I had a chance to speak with this women, I would offer her the following advice (and will write as if addressing her when I say "you.")<br /><br />1. Boundaries are important. There are some instances where in your admirable attempt to be there for your son and support him, you appeared to violate his. I would start with how you push him to find out what's on his mind before he even tells you that he's gay. It's great that you perceive that something is on his mind and you want him to feel free to talk about it. However, trying to guess and trying to push him to tell you already isn't likely to communicate that to him as well as you think. Sometimes, it's much better to say, "I get the feeling something's up that you want to talk about. I'm listening," then wait for him to start talking. In general, I think you might want to learn to listen more. Often, it's a far more supportive and uplifting act than all the encouraging and positive words in the world.<br /><br />2. Be careful of straightsplaining. Your son is gay. That almost certainly means he knows more what it's like to be gay thank you do. Even though you've watched videos and found out what other gay people feel and experienced -- and again, that's a good thing on your part -- your son knows <i>his</i> experience of being gay -- and different gay people do have different experiences -- than you do. Trying to talk to your son about what it's like to be gay and what it means to be gay like you do at times is not comfortable, and it tends to invisibilize his own experience in the process. Again, this is where you'd be better off listening a bit more.Jarredhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04793668797961461325noreply@blogger.com