My letter to you today is a bit late in coming and I do apologize for that, but I needed a few days to calm down and think rationally about your latest flurry of Senatorial activities and proposed legislation. And now that I have had a few days to work through the seething anger that has been burning deep within my gut, I have calmed down enough to realize that this is why common ordinary people like me could never be big U.S. Senators like you two esteemed gentlemen. We simply do not have the proper temperaments, the mandates from God, or the courage to carry out the difficult and sometimes unpopular work that you two have been called upon to do.
First let me start by thanking you both for all the hard work you have done for us Americans. You have sacrificed so much by selflessly giving a big part of yourselves so that we Americans can live Godly and moral lives that are strictly in line with how your interpretation of the bible dictates we live them. It truly scares me to think of what a horrible cesspool of sin this country would be if it were not for you two good men, but then, I am sure that is why God handpicked you to help His Party do this tremendously difficult work. Maybe that is why so many people mistake the acronym, GOP, for God’s Own Party.
Secondly, I owe you both a big apology. You see, right after I learned that you two were both co-sponsors of another Federal Marriage Amendment, which would forever cement my gay son’s second-class citizenship into the Constitution by denying him the right to marry the person he loves and all the rights that everyone else enjoys when they marry, I completely lost it. In fact, I must confess to you that I was blinded by so much hatred and contempt for the two of you that I actually frightened myself. After all I know how sinful those emotions are, but I just couldn’t help it since they emanate from the intense unconditional love I have for my son, which I know is no excuse since my son is an abomination in your eyes. But it is that love for my child, I suppose, that has made it so difficult for me to understand that you are only doing this for the good of our country and the safety of one-man/one-woman marriages everywhere.
So it is at this point that I must beg your indulgence. I am having an extremely difficult time understanding something that I am sure has a very simple explanation that I am just not seeing. So would you mind helping me to reconcile your claims of wanting to protect the sanctity of my 26 year marriage with what looks to me like your complete lack of regard for the sanctity of your own marriages? And could you also help me understand how cheating on your wives with numerous hookers and gay strangers in public bathrooms and indulging in diaper fetishes makes you strong proponents of Family Values, because judging from the very pained and humiliated looks on the faces of your wives as they stood by your sides in front of those television cameras as you made your statements, I certainly didn’t get warm and fuzzy “Family Values” vibes. If anything I got the feeling that if the Supreme Court had made their ruling allowing citizens in Washington DC to own handguns any earlier, you both would be wearing diapers out of necessity and not because of weird sexual desires. But then maybe that was just me projecting my own barely contained emotions onto your wives.
Now again, I confess to not having a complete understanding of all the strange ways in which God does His work. So I am working very hard to accept that there will always be things I can never understand and I shall push all those nasty thoughts of diaper fetishes and trolling for gay sex in airport bathrooms out of my mind. But if you could spare a few minutes from your very important and busy schedules, I’d really love to hear from you. I just know there is a simple explanation for all of this and it’s probably just my silly old imagination that is in the gutter and not you two wonderful Senators.