Taking control of the argument - it is all in the way we use words

Words can be powerful weapons.

Right-wing, anti-gay Christians have known this for a very long time and have gotten quite good at using words to inflict major damage to a person or group of persons they dislike or want to villainize.

How have they done it? By taking advantage of our willingness to let them set the foundation upon which the rest of the discussion is based. And in fact they have even provided the vocabulary with which we have these conversations. They pick those words and phrases very carefully and use them over and over again until they finally start seeping beyond the church walls and into everyday discussions by ordinary people.

These words and phrases sound innocent enough to the lay ear, but have subliminal messages that titilate the die-hard believers while duping the unsuspecting.

The 2 words that I believe fall into this category are gay lifestyle. You almost never hear an anti-gay "good" Christian making their point on why they believe gays are evil without hearing those 2 words sprinkled in. And they have been extremely successful at weaving that phrase into everyday conversation. So successful that I even hear them used at PFLAG meetings where 99% of the people attending are gay or straight allies.

How did this happen?? Well it happened because we have dropped the ball. We underestimated the power of words. And we certainly have not done a good job of stopping people in their tracks when they use those words and educating them to the damage those 2 words inflict.

So the other day when I saw those 2 words used in a letter to the editor, written by someone who actually had good intentions and was making a point in favor of the glbt community, I knew I needed to speak up. And I did. Here is my letter in response to his, which did get published:

When reading “Gay rights in U.S. ultimately about freedom” (Opinions, Wednesday), I couldn’t help but cringe when I got to the phrase “moral legitimacy of the gay lifestyle.”

I believe the writer had good intentions, but by using that phrase, he also exposes why so many “conscientious Christians” fight to deny rights and dignity to gay people.
The phrase “gay lifestyle” perpetuates the myth that gay people choose to be gay, thereby providing moral cover for those who want to deny gay people equality under the guise of religious freedom.

But for anyone who believes sexual orientation is as immutable as eye color, denying gays the same rights straight people enjoy comes off as discriminatory and mean-spirited, which is why so many of these churches work so hard to keep this myth alive.

As a mother of a gay son and a PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) facilitator, I can tell you I do not believe our sexual orientation is a choice; I certainly have no memory of consciously choosing to be straight.

And having watched someone I love so dearly agonize over the realization that he is gay and cannot change it makes that phrase, “gay lifestyle,” all the more ugly and hurtful.

Dear Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council

I see you are uploading bunches of videos of people who have strong opinions on whether gay children or leaders should be allowed in the Boy Scouts. But funny thing about all those videos on your website, they all express the very same view. Gay children and leaders are evil, weak, predatory and would spell the end of the Boy Scouts as we know it. Straight children and leaders - are physically strong, morally straight and Godly thus keeping the Boy Scouts clean and pure.

As the mother of 3 children, 2 of them boys who joined the BSA in the first grade and stayed with it until they both achieved Eagle, I am very disappointed that you do not have anyone in any of those videos who represents the feelings of my family and the many, many like mine.

Why don't the opinions of our families count Tony? After all, you call your organization "The Family Research Council" and yet, you seem to be only interested in the opinion of families like the one in this video:



What Tony, did one of the "Fruits of my Womb" (no pun intended), disqualify my family from ever being considered to make a clip for your "Family" organization?

Now I know the family in the above clip beats our family all to hell what-with its Quiver Full of 10 to my 3. But good Lord Tony, the amount of ignorance and hate being vomited out of the mouths of those parents is downright terrifying and should be grounds for some birth control or at the very least disqualification for ever speaking on behalf of any family.

These parents are horrible, hateful role models and yet, you Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, an organization that pretends to advocate for families, chose these people to represent your organization?

And I am sure you know Tony, that with 7 of their 10 children being boys, they have a statistically significant chance that one of their beloved sons might be gay. My heart breaks at the thought that one of those children could be struggling right now with their sexual orientation as mom and dad sit their in all their glorious faux sanctimony and spew all that ugliness. If nothing else, that is child abuse to be pounding into their psyches such ugly homophobia. I don't pray often Tony, but I pray for those poor children.

And what a hoot listening to manly daddy making the argument that you gotta be "physically strong" to walk so many miles to achieve the hiking merit badge, insinuating that those wimpy gays can't possibly keep up. Well daddy beefcakes, I have news for you, my gay son walked circles around most of the leaders and kids in his troop when they hiked 50 miles in Yosemite for 3 days. He sports his hiking merit badge with pride.

Well Tony, I don't know why I get so worked up. I have known for years what you are really all about and it ain't families. You earned that "Hate Group" rating from the Southern Poverty Law Center quite honestly. Probably the only honest thing you have ever done in your life.

   

Be still my heart - First my beloved Minnesota and now maybe one day Arizona?

Great news Via the Rocky Mountain Poll:

After years of beating the drums against same-sex marriage, opponents of the idea in Arizona appear to be losing their grip on public attitudes toward the issue. By a ratio of 55 percent to 35percent, Arizonans say they favor allowing gays and lesbians to marry.

Majorities in the following groups appear to have locked arms in support of such unions: women (60%), Hispanics (75%),liberals (67%), moderates (64%), registered Independents (64%), Democrats (70%), and voters under 55 years of age (60%).

A plurality of voters over 54 years of age also favor allowing such unions (46%); while 40 percent remain in opposition.Finally, opposition to same-sex marriage divides Republican voters, with 53 percent opposedbut 36 percent now in favor. Similarly, while 51 percent of political conservatives are opposed, 41percent favor allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry.

This news is possibly even more jolting than the magnificent news coming out of Minnesota. Why? Because Minnesota has always been a wonderful progressive state, whereas Arizona -- well -- it is a wonderful state as well, but governed by lunatics and moral scolds who think they have the right to legislate their twisted sense of right and wrong into Arizona laws.

So to Cathi Herrod, one of our more notorious morality scolds, let me just say:

You've dedicated your life to inflicting pain on families like mine, but your days of calling the shots in this state are numbered. One day your life's work of hate and nastiness will be overturned and you shall go down as one of Arizona's top haters. And something tells me that day is coming soon.  And I say good riddance.

And one more message to someone else who played a big role in getting an anti-gay-marriage ban passed in this state and that is former Arizona State legislator with FIVE FAILED MARRIAGES under her own self-righteous belt, Karen Johnson. Your legacy can only get worse lady. I hope you lay in bed at night and think of what a complete idiot you looked like when talking about the "Sanctity of Marriage" when trying to justify your vote.

May history, Cathi and Karen, spare none of the ugly details of your hateful legacies.

Minnesota state senate passes gay marriage bill - let the weddings begin!

This makes state #12 to make Marriage Equality the law. 

This is such wonderful news. Thank you dear sweet Minnesota. I knew you could do it!!

Unfortunately not everyone is happy:

Related: Dear Minnesota

Watching the Catholic Church lose its battle to halt Marriage Equality and getting more ugly with each defeat

The Catholic Church has made no secret of the fact that they condemn anything that might humanize or grant dignity and rights to the GLBT community. And in fact the more progress that is made on gay rights, the more shill, ugly, and hurtful the Catholic Church becomes on this subject.

I cannot help but think that the day is fast approaching when the only people left sitting in the pews of their big beautiful churches will be those who welcome the Catholic Church's convenient religious cover that allows them to be bigots.

Does not the Church realize that GLBT people have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, and extended family? The anti-gay ugliness that emanates from the rank and file of the Church wounds wide swaths of their congregations. Many walk away and those that remain cannot help but look to the Church's hierarchy with a lot less respect.

With the impending vote in the Minnesota state senate next week and the very real possibility that gay marriage will become legal there, I am reminded of the controversial anti-gay marriage DVDs Minnesota Catholic Bishops sent out to all their parishes in 2010. Could that decision have been a miscalculation that has caused festering wounds? Maybe, but I can guarantee one thing for sure, Catholics who are gay or who have friends or family who are gay certainly have not forgotten the pain those nasty DVDs caused. So it will be interesting to see how the Minnesota Catholic Church handles a victorious outcome for the pro-gay-marriage forces.

Hopefully they will do a better job than the Rhode Island Bishops did when Gay Marriage passed there making it the 10th state to enjoy a big win:

That was a brief honeymoon, Rhode Island. Just hours before becoming the 10th state to approve marriage equality, the slim, pocket-sized state — which also happens to be the nation’s most Catholic — received a stern warning from the Bishop of Providence.

In a seriously buzzkill message, Bishop Thomas Tobin issued a pastoral letter to his brothers and sisters in the Ocean State suggesting they might want to decline invitations once same-sex marriage becomes official in August. “It is important to affirm the teaching of the Church, based on God’s word, that ‘homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered,’ (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2357),” he writes, “and always sinful. And because ‘same-sex marriages’ are clearly contrary to God’s plan for the human family, and therefore objectively sinful, Catholics should examine their consciences very carefully before deciding whether or not to endorse same-sex relationships or attend same-sex ceremonies, realizing that to do so might harm their relationship with God and cause significant scandal to others.”

Well, if anybody would be an authority on significant scandal, I’d bet it’d be a Roman Catholic priest. 

Good going Bishop Thomas Tobin. You basically gave Rhode Island Catholics a choice: their gay child or the church.

Well I made my choice years ago and it was a no-brainer.  

Minnesota marriage equality - you betcha!

Dear Minnesota House,

Thank you for making me miss MN so much more. Your vote of 75-59 - was a great way to remind the country what Minnesota Nice is all about. And to the right wingers who thought they were hot stuff when they got an anti-gay marriage amendment on the ballot a while back --- thank you for your nasty efforts, people got to see your hate in action and decided they wanted NO part of it. So file that effort under pushback is a bitch, you sanctimonious right-wing frauds.

Oh and BTW: The Senate is expected to vote on — and pass — the bill on Monday, and Gov. Mark Dayton has pledged to sign the bill if it passes. Via Andrew Sullivan 

This post is dedicated to Jeff, Lori and Andrew Wilfahrt.

Coming back online very very slowly

Hello. Remember me? Yes, I know, I dropped off the face of the world wide web --- and I needed to --- there was a lot going on in my life and honestly, I didn't have the energy or brain space to blog. But slowly, and with some prodding from some beloved readers, I am ready to dip my toes back into the waters. I cannot guarantee faithful daily blogging, but rest assured, I will try to be more attentive.


Oh, and just so you know. I did not stop being an advocate and activist during my blogging hiatus. I was busy facilitating PFLAG meetings, writing letters to the editor, coming out to the last of our straggler friends and acquaintances we'd missed on our first round of coming out, speaking in front of church congregations about PFLAG and my son, and being on panels discussing glbtq issues at certain Arizona universities, etc.

So here is what has been going on in my life since we last talked.

My mom:

As longtime readers know, back in 2007 my mother fell and sustained a pretty bad brain injury - a subdural hematoma - to be exact. I blogged about it when it happened.


Well that fall changed my mom's life. And mine too. Her husband died while she was up here in Scottsdale going through the 8 months or so of physical and cognitive therapy. She completely lost her sense of smell, her short term memory, and eventually the ability to drive and live alone. Confusion and dementia started creeping in. And for much of that time, I was in denial, not really seeing that it was time to make some really tough decisions. Finally I realized that my mom needed me to step in and make some big changes, which was actually the catalyst for dropping out of the blogging world. I just couldn't handle it all and still be fair to my family.

So with the help of some of my more supportive brothers, we sold my mom's house, moved her into assisted living, and helped her make the transition to her new life. She has done pretty darn well. I am very proud of her. And life has gotten significantly easier for me now that I know my mom is safe and happy.


My kids:

Our oldest son is getting married to his long-time girlfriend whom he met in the Peace Corps back in 2007. I blogged about him and the Peace Corps here and here. Our middle son (yes, the gay one) will be his best man. We could not be happier about this wedding and welcoming our new daughter-in-law into the family.

Our middle son (yes that one) is still plugging away at getting all his pilot ratings with the hopes that one day he will be hired by a commercial airline. It is something he has wanted to do since he was a little boy (see picture below). He has also been in a very happy long-term relationship since about 2009. We could not be happier about this relationship and welcoming his boyfriend into our family.

Our daughter graduated from college about a year ago and just got accepted into medical school here in Arizona. She will move back here from Seattle, where she has lived the past 5 years, in June. We are so proud of her and absolutely thrilled she has chosen the medical school here in Arizona and will be living close by.

And on a sad note. Our beloved little doggie and beloved family member of the past almost 17 years, Maggie, passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. Our hearts ache. We miss her so much. She enriched our lives in ways that only dog owners can understand. I am having a tough time right now, but I know eventually that hole she has left in our lives will eventually be filled with good memories that make me smile again.

And finally, to lighten up the mood for the conclusion of this post, how about this (sorry about the ad, just click on the skip ad button):



Bye for now. Love you all.
Kim

"I don't understand what the big deal is. It's just a word."

That is what a mother who has a gay son said at a PFLAG meeting last month. But what was so jaw-dropping and upsetting (for me) was that this was an educated and very intelligent woman who obviously loved her son so much and so unconditionally that her passion seemed to ooze out of every pore of her body when she spoke of her son. This was a woman who knew her son was gay at an extremely early age (long before the child himself could have known) and he is now in his early 30's. She has had years and years more than me to watch and realize the challenges and bigotry her child would face merely for being different. And yet, when the subject of marriage equality came up towards the end of the meeting, she actually said, quite passionately btw: "I don't understand what the big deal is. It's just a word."

I confess, this really, really upset me. I cannot stop thinking about it. And it has been almost a month now. I was so flabbergasted, so speechless, that I could not even get my head to stop spinning long enough to put together a coherent response. And since she made this statement at the very end of the meeting (in fact, she got the last word), I never really got the chance to say anything. So I have spent the last month beating myself up, reliving the moment over and over again, and standing in front of the mirror saying what I didn't say when I had the chance. It hasn't helped. I am still ticked at myself. It was a missed opportunity and I blew it.

How on earth could someone who has seen, up close and personal, the challenges and prejudices the glbt community faces on a daily basis not understand that the word "marriage" is NOT just a word? How? I simply cannot understand this.

I don't want to beat up on this mother, but I can't help beating myself up for not having a ready answer. At the very least I should have been able to say that the difference between the words "Civil Union", "Domestic Partnership", and "Marriage" is this: "Marriage" provides somewhere in the vicinity of 1,400 legal rights, which are conferred upon married couples in the U.S. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships confer nothing close to what Marriage does. Talk about being "just words".

And for those who argue that most rights and protections can be privately arranged with legal contracts, I say NO, they cannot. I know of 2 different couples, in two different states, who spent thousands of dollars to protect themselves, their assets, and their businesses. One of them told me they were so paranoid, they actually carried the plastic tub holding the many, many documents for each and every protection for which they'd paid dearly, in the trunk of their car. And yet, it still wasn't enough. The families of both deceased partners still won out, leaving the surviving partner with nothing. And if there are children, or one of the partners is not a citizen of this country, well ... good luck ... both situations can have horrifying consequences because the rights and protections of marriage have been denied them because they are same-sex couples.

NO, "marriage" is not just a word.

I just wish I could show the clip below to this mom. It really riled me up and my bet is it would her too. And I think it would explain better than I could have why "marriage" is indeed a big f'ng deal.

Watch it, but grab a tissue first. I don't know why, but this clip hit me harder than I anticipated.

Great new ad from Minnesotans United

Nice, and in my view, quite affective:



Hey Minnesotans, please don't let the haters and bigots in your great state redefine "Minnesota Nice" to include caveats as in: we are only "Minnesota Nice if you meet our narrow view of what defines normal".

Related:
Dear Minnesota

Dear Minnesota - Don't limit the freedom to marry. Vote NO

This clip speaks for itself, but I'd like to end this post with a quote from Corporal Andrew Wilfahrt's father, Jeff, who is running for the MN House of Representatives in the fall of 2012 on the DFL ticket:

"The Constitution our son died for was intended to protect rights not deny them." 


Related:

Jeff Wilfahrt: "The Constitution our son died for was intended to protect rights not deny them."

WHAT FANTASTIC NEWS FOR MINNESOTA

"Andrew’s Round Table" aims to defeat MN marriage amendment

Of loaves and fishes by Jeff Wilfahrt

A heartfelt letter of apology from the MN gay community

Thank you Jeff and Lori Wilfahrt, your son would be so proud

And there is no shortage of anti-gay hate going on in my beloved Minnesota either

Rachel Maddow Puts A Spotlight On Minnesota's Anti-Gay Marriage Constitutional Amendment

CNN: Soldier leaves legacy much larger than 'he was gay'

Dear Minnesota,

I quit a long time ago - and the Catholic hierarchy continues to make damn sure I don't ever regret that decision

I was born into the Catholic Church, raised in it, educated in its schools, married in it, and then my husband and I proceeded to repeat the cycle with our 3 children. In fact the youngest of our 3 children will be completing her college degree next month at a Jesuit university in Washington state - and that, my friends, will mark the end of any affiliation our family has with the Catholic Church. And btw, we each came by that decision on our own, no group decisions, no coercion.

I have zero remorse, zero regret, and zero sadness about ending this abusive relationship life-long affiliation, which is a bit surprising (at least to me) since I've lived over half my life as a devoted Catholic. But the Pope and his dutiful bishops make damn sure, pretty much on a daily basis, that I never ever revisit or regret this decision.

The truth is, walking away was easy. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. It shouldn't have taken finding out I had a gay son to exit a church that had become increasingly more hateful, homophobic, anti-woman, anti-science, paternalistic, and dishonest/in denial about its own horrific, decades-long pedophile scandal. But I continually rationalized the nagging shame I felt for my hypocrisy with the justification that I was remaining a Catholic in order to fight for change from within.

What a joke. And on every level I knew it. And so I finally walked away. Late, but better that than never. Thank you God for giving me my gay son!

So it is with great joy and a whole lot of glee that I read about this full-page ad in The Washington Post targeting me "Liberal and Nominal Catholics" and telling them "It's time to quit the Catholic Church"  (if these snippets are hard to read, click to embiggen, but please do read the full ad at the above link):

[...]

Am I being hard on the Catholic Church? You bet I am! Do I feel any remorse for being such a meanie? Absolutely not! And if I were to feel a twinge of guilt, I'd simply refer back to my memory banks for all the reasons this Church deserves to hemorrhage parishioners until it disappears into obscurity. And since there are so many reasons for which to justify my abandonment of the Church and cheer other Catholics on to the same decision, I will point you to just a few of the more recent and heinous, including the story behind Phoenix's own horrible, vindictive, nasty, little bishop and the back story for the video clip at the top of this post. And btw, the hospital in the above clip, St. Joseph's Hospital, is the hospital all 4 of my brothers and I were born in and it is the hospital in which I had my first child as well.

And pulling the "Catholic" from St. Joe's isn't even the worst part. Bishop Olmstead also excommunicated the nun, Sister Margaret McBride, who:

... was forced to make a decision between her faith and a woman's life last year, when a 27-year-old mother of four rushed into St. Joseph's Hospital in Phoenix only 11 weeks pregnant.

The mother was suffering from pulmonary hypertension, an illness the doctors believed would likely kill her and, as a result, her unborn child, if she did not abort the pregnancy.

In the end, McBride chose to save the young woman's life by agreeing to authorize an emergency abortion, a decision that has now forced her out of a job and the Catholic Church.

Despite being described as "saintly," "courageous," and the "moral conscience" of the Catholic hospital, McBride was excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Phoenix Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted for supporting the abortion.

And if all of the above is not enough, how about the fact that Pope Benedict has decided it is not enough to demonize gays, deny women the right to make their own health care decisions, make sure contraception is illegal or impossible to get, stop science from finding cures for killer diseases if stem cells are used, etc. but now he feels he has to go after nuns and reprimand them for the sins of caring too much about the poor and not being anti-gay or anti-abortion enough:

CATHOLIC nuns are not the prissy traditionalists of caricature. No, nuns rock!

They were the first feminists, earning Ph.D.’s or working as surgeons long before it was fashionable for women to hold jobs. As managers of hospitals, schools and complex bureaucracies, they were the first female C.E.O.’s.

They are also among the bravest, toughest and most admirable people in the world. In my travels, I’ve seen heroic nuns defy warlords, pimps and bandits. Even as bishops have disgraced the church by covering up the rape of children, nuns have redeemed it with their humble work on behalf of the neediest.

So, Pope Benedict, all I can say is: You are crazy to mess with nuns.

The Vatican issued a stinging reprimand of American nuns this month and ordered a bishop to oversee a makeover of the organization that represents 80 percent of them. In effect, the Vatican accused the nuns of worrying too much about the poor and not enough about abortion and gay marriage.

I cannot imagine ever calling myself a Catholic again. Ever. But I also cannot shame anyone who has chosen to remain a Catholic either. I guess all I can do is hope they have better luck changing the Church's more hideous stances than Galileo had.

Best Mother's Day present ever!

From the bottom of this Seething Mom's heart - Thank you Mr. President!

Joe Biden endorses marraige equality

Love it:



And this is what we will see more of if we succeed in getting Obama in for a second term. We will see a whole bunch more movement for our glbt loved ones. If we get Romney - not so much.

PS to the good Minnesotans in District 57B of Rosemount, please vote for Jeff Wilfahrt if you care about fairness and equality for everyone. A better man for the job you will not find anywhere else.

British marriage equality ad powerful in its simplicity

From the UK:



From the filmmaker:

“One day I would like to marry my partner of almost 5 years. And the celebration of our commitment should mean no more or less than any other straight couple. I made the film to promote change and also inspire others to use their creativity to support equality.”

Via JMG

Aww Jeeze Minnesota, you are better than this

What the ....



Time to kick the religious nuts out of office and back into their churches. Pray away the gay? It's 2012 guys. 

Dear Rick Santorum - You can't quit

You are the very best tool we have in making our case for full equality for our lgbt brothers and sisters. Each time you open your mouth and spew your ugly homophobic views, we gain more supporters to our cause.

Hat tip Freddie who cannot hat tip anyone because he got it off a facebook share chain.

Awwww - Megan Mullally & Nick Offerman for Americans for Marriage Equality

This hit home

As many of you know, my husband and I have 3 children - 2 boys and a girl - in that order. When our first born was 5 weeks old he got extremely ill. So ill, he almost died before we could get him transferred from the hospital closest to our home where he had been in intensive care for a week to the Phoenix Children's hospital where specialists (and there were only 2 in the entire state at that time, 1984, that could handle the particular problem our gravely ill child had).

Like the couple in the clip below, our child was hospitalized for a long period of time - for us - 5 months the first time and then many shorter hospitalizations thereafter. His prognosis was dire and his future - uncertain. No one could tell us that he would grow up to be a healthy, happy child with no lifetime residual problems. It was one day at a time and one hell of a stress on my husband and my relatively young marriage.

We got our first clue we were in for an extremely long haul when a group of doctors came into our son's hospital room one day and told us that they strongly recommended we see a counselor and a social worker because what we were in for can really do damage to marriages and often does. Then they continued on with the suggestion that we were welcome to move some of our furniture from home into a "special room" they reserved for the families of children that are going to be there "indefinitely".

I cannot tell you how challenging and how stressful that time in our lives was. I not only agonized over our very sick baby and his very uncertain future, but I agonized over whether our marriage could handle the challenges we had ahead of us.

Then going home, was yet another unbelievable challenge. They did not feel we should take our child home just yet, and we felt we should. We knew we had no experience managing the broviac central line he had implanted in a large vein so that meds and blood products could be administered directly into the bloodstream or the feeding tube he needed because he couldn't eat. But keeping him in the hospital had become a one step forward, 2 steps back dance because of all the secondary infections our poor little baby with the compromised immune system kept falling prey to in that very germ-y environment.

After many battles, even one in which we threatened to remove our child from every machine he was connected to and steal him away in the dark of the night if they dared give him a blood transfusion using blood that did not come from a family member. This was was 1984 and they actually told us they would give him the transfusion if they felt he needed it and we could not stop them. Our fear was that HIV was newly on the scene and they would have to use untested blood. Tests for HIV did not come available until 1985. We did, by the way, win that battle and had doctors we'd just stood toe to toe screaming in their faces later tell us they would have done the same thing. We also succeeded in talking them into training us to care for our son at home, something they had never done before.

So home we went, relieved to be out of the hospital, but scared about saying good bye to the safety net we'd depended on in the hospital. But thankfully, our son slowly started to get better and we slowly got more confident that our child was going to be ok.

But like the couple in the clip below, there are other problems that come with severely sick infants. They are usually developmentally delayed, and in our case and the couple below's case, our child could not eat. He had to learn how to eat - a challenge of epic proportions. Who knew?

Our marriage made it, but many do not. Our child made it, in fact he eventually thrived and excelled in every thing he did. And we were finally able to redefine normal for us to mean something closer to what other couples take for granted.

So seeing this clip below hit me on so many levels. I KNOW without a doubt what this loving, beautiful couple went through, sacrificed, and laid in bed at night and worried themselves sick about. I know the lack of sleep and barely being able to put one foot in front of the other but doing it because a very sick child requires it, I know the major celebrations and tears of joy over tiny victories like getting our child to put a piece of banana to his mouth, at almost 2 years of age, and eat it and keep it down.

And I KNOW that this loving, beautiful lesbian couple could teach straight married couples a thing or two about love, marriage, sacrifice, and parenting.

I have to agree with Patrick when he so aptly says:

How does Ross Douthat, who argues that well-adjusted individuals have a duty to bring children into this world, square that position with his opposition to marriage equality? If the tender loving care shown in the video above below {correction mine} isn't an example of model parenting, I don't know what is.

But I would not just single out Ross Douthat on this, I'd be dragging out the so-called marriage protectors from NOM, the Hierarchy of the Catholic Church, the Mormon Church, and all those faux Family Advocacy organizations who only advocate for families that fit their very narrow template and I'd ask them to watch this clip below and tell me why they believe this amazing couple doesn't deserve to be parents because I'll be damned if I can figure out why.

Dear GOP, Religious Right, and Misc Homophobes everywhere

Congratulations, you've finally done it. You poked, you prodded, you race baited, you lied through your teeth, you pushed many of our precious children to suicide, you fear mongered, you twisted scientific research, and you've spread your vileness and hate to other countries.

Well we've had enough. You've successfully stirred the hornet's nest. And may you reap the "rewards" coming to you. Hate and bigotry do not pay off, even when you wrap them up in a third-grade interpretation of the bible and an American flag.

You let your hatred override your humanity. You let your ignorance override your common sense. You let your evil side conquer any good within you.  Did you not think that for every glbtq person you have spent your time, energy, and resources vilifying and dehumanizing there wasn't even a single person who loved and cherished that person?  Well I have news for you. You were so very wrong.

We are not the insignificant few:





I had been tossing around a variation of this idea for my own Chapter of PFLAG (PFLAG Phoenix). And seeing how simple but powerful PFLAG Bellevue's finished product is, I am hoping this idea will spread. And may it instill the fear of whatever into the monsters who have been hurting our glbtq children, brothers, sisters, parents, and friends for far too long.

Some background on these two clips:

The Story Behind the Love, PFLAG Videos By Lori Brown, Chair, PFLAG Bellevue, Washington

“To all the politicians who are running in 2012 we want you to know…”

These words burst out of my mind and onto the page in front of me. I was finally ready to put thoughts to paper and it took all of 2 or 3 minutes to write the script for our video. I had been trying to come up with an idea for our next PFLAG chapter project. The amazing part was that my best friend from childhood had sent a generous check to fund this before I even had any idea of what it could be. But looking back, I have realized that perhaps the “Universe” was showing me what it was supposed to be for quite a while, and proceeded to give me what I needed to accomplish it.

Last year we in the Bellevue PFLAG chapter had talked about doing an “It Gets Better” video with transgender families, and so we pursued that for a while. I can only imagine the number of lives that have been changed and saved due to this wonderful program that Dan Savage and Terry Miller created.

As I looked at a lot of the videos to help us decide how to do this, the main theme seemed to be, “You are not alone”. Yet, as I saw Adam Lambert say, “There are a ton of us in this world who are just like you, who believe in you”, I realized how right he was to say this, but like many others, he appeared on camera alone.

Well, it was time to show those who feel alone and bullied that those people who support and believe in them are here right now! They may have gone unnoticed because they look like the people you see every day. They’re walking their dogs, waiting for the bus, or shopping in the grocery store. But they are here just the same! (We are the parents, families and friends of the LGBTQ community and we are listening to what you are saying about those we love.)

[story continues below the fold]

This is why I love Arizona so much

Updated below

We've got to be close to the # one exporter of hate, xenophobia, homophobia, and crazy right-wing laws that  other crazy right-wing states adopt or try to out-crazy.

Oh - and let's not forget that Arizona is also the number one supplier of side-splitting, jaw-dropping, crowd-pleasing material for comedians world wide.

Dang, I am so proud to be an Arizonan right now.

The Daily Show
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And as if that wasn't enough salt in the wounds, our very own pearl-clutching editorial board at our very own Arizona Republic had to get out there and condemn The Daily Show people for not picking the right person to interview (in other words, a person who holds the same opinion as the right-winger who wrote the editorial). Mr. Right-Wing Editorialist called it a "hit job" and this "week's high point for defenders of the disbanded propaganda factory".

The editorial is titled "The truth is not as funny" which strikes me as just about as perfect a title as I can think of, just not for the same reasons he had. The real un-funny truth is, Arizona is chock-full of idiots from which The Daily Show could have chosen. And that is the very sad, definitely un-funny truth that Mr. Right-Wing Editorialist just cannot bring himself to accept. 
 

The feature consisted primarily of an interview with Michael Hicks, one of the TUSD board members who voted to end the intensely politicized program earlier this year.

A less articulate critic of the program would be impossible to find. The segment was a cringe-inducing humiliation of the tongue-tied man.

Which, of course, is why the producers sought out the hapless Mr. Hicks. Most real reporters look to board President Mark Stegeman, a University of Arizona economics instuctor, for fair understanding of the ethnic-studies issue.

But that wasn't what "The Daily Show" came looking for. It came for the cheap laughs, and poor Mr. Hicks gave them up by the bucketful.

The Arizona Republic is absolutely right, the "hapless" Mr. Hicks is a "cringe-inducing humiliation of a tongue-tied man". And sadly, Arizona seems to be the number one supplier of that commodity as well.

Update:  I got to thinking about the Daily Show clip I posted above and the fool they highlighted in it and that reminded me of another Daily Show piece from 2006 that totally skewered and idiot from Arizona, only this time, from my own humble little city. I alternated between laughing until it hurt and crying in embarrassed disgust.

The restaurant that raised the ire of Scottsdale's finest prudes is now closed, but was within walking distance of where I live. So my husband and I made it a point to give them our business whenever we were in the mood for some Pink Taco, just to spite the god-bothering fools who put our city in the cross-hairs of The Daily Show in the first place. But thankfully the Arizona Republic didn't even pretend to get their panties in a twist over this PR disaster and write a hand-wringing editorial blaming The Daily Show for picking the wrong fool to interview. Or at least I don't think they did - maybe I just blocked it out.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Dear Mormon Church: STOP torturing your GLBT children

Good gawd how I loathe HATE in the name of some mean, spiteful, hateful, nasty God that only loves mean, spiteful, hateful, nasty "good Christians".

Happy Easter.

You can't judge a book by its cover - you have to read what's inside

Shy Boy and his Friend teach us why this is such a good lesson:

For those of you who choose not to sit in church today, I offer you the perfect alternative: a dose of Dan Savage

I first listened to this in a This American Life podcast a few years ago at the gym, on an elliptical, sweating like a pig, alternating between fits of uncontained laughter and blubbering like a fool. I love Dan Savage. And on this, he nails my own love/hate (emphasis on hate at this point) relationship with the Catholic Church.



Thank you Anne Laurie for the nice start to my Sunday morning.

Bully - a documentary that forces you to confront the extent to which cruelty is embedded in our schools and our society as a whole

I have not seen this film yet, but I can assure you, I will be one of the first to see it when it comes here to Arizona. This is an issue near and dear to my heart. I know first-hand the agony and devastation bullying can cause. And with the issue taking on political and religious overtones, solutions to the very life-threatening situations many of our children face by merely getting on a school bus or walking through the doors of their school, could not feel more elusive and unattainable.

Hell, not even two weeks ago, my very own whack-job Arizona legislature proved, yet again, no problem is too pressing or deadly for our children that it can't be made into a partisan/religious score-one-for-the-god-party drama. A bill that had bipartisan support and would have mandated bullying-prevention programs for school employees, allowed parents to opt their children into similar programs, and created a wider definition of bullying that, among other things, included electronic harassment such as via Facebook or text message was effectively killed by a very powerful lobbyist group that claims to "Protect Arizona Families" and "Put Your Biblical Worldview Into Action".  Unfortunately in their quest to protect Arizona families and put their version of a biblical worldview into action here in Arizona, the Center for Arizona Policy (and Cathi Herrod in particular) has decided no anti-bullying bills can ever be passed into law. After all, the risk that even one GLBTQ child might be protected from the devastating, soul-crushing affects of bullying is absolutely unacceptable - can't have no homosexual agenda taintin our kids. So thanks to Cathi's vallient fight to legislate "Your Biblical Worldview Into Action" we will continue to see children bullied, some of them right into the grave.

Bully is not GLBTQ focused, although I believe there is at least one child of the 5 chronicled in this documentary that comes out as lesbian, but there is no denying that GLBTQ students are bullied at much higher rates than the general student population, which makes this movie a must-see for all parents, but especially parents who have GLBTQ children. The movie brings home the urgency of this problem, the need to cease and desist with the politicization of the issue, the need to drop-kick those who stand in the way of finding solutions in the name of their so-called "biblical worldview" and most importantly, the need to start a serious national discussion about how to tackle this very serious problem and make it easier for victims to get help.

I have heard the movie is quite moving and powerful. It definitely moved Mike Huckabee. Yes, you heard me right, Mike Huckabee. And in a big way. Watch this clip if you don't believe me:



I confess, I have felt so very angry and hopeless for so long about this issue that I have to admit, seeing someone like Mike Huckabee so passionate and so moved by this movie truly gives me hope that I have not felt for a very long time. Watch out Cathi Herrod, when you lose someone like Mike Huckabee, it is the beginning of the end for homophobes like you.

The 12 Talking Points That Republicans Are Using To Guarantee Obama's Re-election

I met a good friend for breakfast the other morning. We hadn't seen each other for a few months and it was so nice to catch up on her family, and her on mine. We were neighbors for years. Our children are the same ages and went to school together. I adore her children, she adores mine. To say she has been a wonderful friend throughout the many years we have known each other would be an understatement. She saw me through some very difficult times and me her. I will always love her.

When we first met, our kids were pretty young. I still thought I was a Republican. I still thought I was a Catholic. And I still lived life in my little cocoon, happy, completely immersed in my family, and extremely, blissfully ignorant of anything other than what was going on in my little tiny world. (ugh it hurts to look back and admit this)

The years passed, our older children entered high school, and I was thankful to have her to moan and groan with about the usual stuff that goes along with teen angst and hormones. I shared pretty much everything with her. After all, we were on the same page on pretty much everything - family, faith, and even politics. Perfect friendship. 

Then, my husband and I found out our middle son was gay when he was a junior in high school. My life pretty much turned upside down. And I slunk into the closet from which my son finally freed himself. I didn't share this news with anyone, not even this friend - not because I thought she'd react badly, but because I had too much to digest, too much to work through, and I certainly was not going to make this announcement until I could make it with the peace and tranquility I knew I'd eventually reach. And that - as it so happens - takes time, longer for some (me) than for others (my husband).  

And all of this transpired in 2003, smack-dab in the middle of the Bush re-election campaign, with a promised Federal Gay Marriage Ban stirring up truly ugly, hateful homophobia and undying support from the so-called "good" Christian evangelicals they call their base. And oh how my Fox-loving neighbors were getting into this campaign, not because of the gay marriage nastiness although for some that was a bit tantalizing I'm sure, but because they could not fathom that oh-so french elitist, John Kerry, ever being able to lead this country as well as Bush. 

I no longer could be around it all. I was confused. I was furious with myself for it taking a big event in my life to wake me up to what was happening. Why did it take learning my son was gay to open my eyes? I felt such revulsion and disgust for being so ignorant and selfish.   

So I shut myself in, shut my friends out, and started re-thinking everything I thought I believed. And ooof, what a transformation I went through. R after my name: gone. My Catholicism - lapsed and then renounced. My concern for life outside my own little nuclear family - huge and growing by leaps and bounds. My desire to rejoin my friends and publicly announce my new stances and why I'd had such a transformation - pathetically low.

Well then we moved from the neighborhood and the urgency to announce I had a gay son and I was now a flaming, godless liberal was not so urgent anymore. But I was still  getting together with my friends and old neighbors - just not so frequently. And slowly but surely my need to start divulging that I no longer shared their views on just about everything was getting more pressing (I already hated myself for being such an ignorant twit for so many years, I didn't need to add two-faced twit to the list too). I'd started paying attention.I stopped letting cable tv talking heads, politicians, and the priests within the church tell me how to think. I had started reading everything I could get my hands on - from all sides. And I started forming my own opinions. And confidence. And thick skin. Damn, it was liberating. And I started talking.

My friends were not impressed with my political changes of heart. They were not swayed with my arguments. Some nearly dropped to the floor when they learned I'd be voting for Obama. But they all accepted the news  about my son just fine. I was happy. Convincing them their political views were wrong would be impossible and probably wrong for me to even try. Maybe they too would need some life-touching event of their own to open their eyes. And who the hell was I to judge? 

Which brings me to my friend and my breakfast the other morning. She never understood my transformation, but our friendship remained intact, her love for my son never wavered. We get together every few months. But something was different this last time, I noticed cracks. Her oldest son is getting married. He is not Catholic but his soon-to-be wife is. They are taking the obligatory classes the Church requires to get married in the church. Neither of their hearts are in it. They are coming home and talking about the church's/politician's (hey, separation of church and state does not exist right now with the GOP or the Catholic bishops) views on contraception, women, gays, the poor, etc  and they are openly showing their disdain for the 16th century views of both the GOP and the church. It is getting harder for my friend to deny what is right in front of her when her own children are seeing it. There are cracks forming in my friend's views and I am starting to see them.   

So when I saw this chart of 12 talking points that Republicans are using to guarantee Obama's re-election and I realized that even sane people stuck in cocoons eventually have to break out one day and see what is out there. This friend is not dumb, and she certainly is not blind. She has to be seeing some of the crazy going on around her. We live in Arizona for god sakes. We are surrounded by it. So even though I didn't ask her, I walked away thinking there might be hope for her and maybe others as well. And maybe it doesn't take learning that you have a gay child for it to happen. Maybe it just takes a political party going off the deep end.  

One can only hope.

Via TPC who got it from MoveOn.org

Congratulations - You did it! - Part 2

I am so proud of you Michael! You've earned your private pilot license. You are one step closer to your goal. We are so proud of you. 

Love you,

mom (and definitely not seething today)

TESTIMONY: Setting the heartfelt words from the "It Gets Better" videos to music

I dare you to watch this lovely clip without at least getting a lump in your throat. Having tissues on hand is highly recommended:



A little bit about the clip:

In writing TESTIMONY, Stephen Schwartz collaborated with Dan Savage, creator of the groundbreaking "It Gets Better Project." Schwartz has set the heartfelt words from the "It Gets Better" videos to music, weaving them into a breathtaking, emotional new masterpiece that speaks to anyone who has ever felt out of place.

TESTIMONY was recorded and engineered by Leslie Ann Jones, the legendary multi Grammy award-winning Director of Music Recording at Skywalker Sound. Performed by the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus under the direction of Dr. Timothy Seelig.

Grab yourself a fresh cup of Starbucks Pike Place Roast coffee and savor some good java and some good news on the marriage equality front

Could it be the tide is turning? Could sane people finally be reaching their saturation point with the holier-than-thou, stick-their-noses-in-our-private-lives, sanctimonious frauds, also known as the religious right or in my personal dictionary as bigots, homophobes, and haters in this country? Or is it that people are realizing that the sky is not falling in states that have legalized gay marriage and are now figuring out what big fat liars people like Maggie Gallagher, the good-ole boys over at the National Organization for Marriage, and the prissy bishops in the Catholic Church (to name just a few offenders) are? 

Well regardless of the reason, there is some great news today on marriage equality. First up is the breaking news that the great state of "Live Free or Die", New Hampshire, a state that has had full marriage equality for 2 years, has just smacked down those NOM-backed lawmakers within the legislature who wanted to repeal the gay marriage law, effectively defeating repeal efforts. So full marriage equality will remain the law of the land in NH. 

I am pretty darn sure this is not sitting well with our Religious Freak crowd because as we all know, stripping gays and lesbians of rights that everyone else enjoys, demeaning and dehumanizing them, and making damn sure that all children who happen to have 2 parents of the same sex are penalized and denied rights and protections other children have is just what Jesus would have wanted. 

And on another front, Starbucks has been a major and vocal supporter of Washington State’s historic marriage law. Listen to Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz, responding to NOM's complaint about his company's support for marriage equality and then revel in the strong applause of the assembled stockholders as they respond to what Mr. Shultz said. 

Ahhhhhh, good java, good fun, good riddance to haters and homophobes ...

Jeff Wilfahrt: "The Constitution our son died for was intended to protect rights not deny them."

A picture from the last time Jeff Wilfart
saw and hugged his son, Andrew. 

I am a bit late in reporting this, but there is a lovely article posted on the Advocate website on March 9th that is well worth the read. I will include a snippet here, but click on over and read the article in its entirety. After all, we need to know everything there is about this wonderful man since he will be, I hope-I hope-oh-please-dear-God-I-hope, Minnesota District 57B's new state Representative in 2012:

Running on a three “E” ticket — “Economy, Equality and Education” — Jeff Wilfahrt notes, “I’ve always had a strong sense of fairness and tried to help ‘right the wrongs.’ This sense was never stronger and clearer to me as when the Minnesota State government moved to allow the marriage amendment to be placed on the November 2012 ballot.”

For the last year, the Wilfahrt family has taken charge of their son’s memory, refusing to assume spectatorship in a society that regards his memory as that of second-class citizen.  Corporal Andrew Wilfahrt was serving as an MP in the U.S. Army when he was killed by an IED near Kandahar, Afghanistan. Jeff Wilfahrt notes with great pride in speeches across the country that his son’s platoon named their combat outpost after him, COP WILFAHRT.  “Andrew was a great warrior and beloved by his fellow soldiers,” Wilfahrt says. “He was also an openly gay soldier.”

A self-confessed introvert, the loving father of a daughter who graduated from Cornell and a younger son in graduate school in North Carolina, Wilfahrt has his campaign cut out for him as he musters his own troops. He’ll do it with a familial courage, casting aside privacy, and determined to effectuate equality for all in Minnesota. Jeff Wilfahrt has entered the race not only to address the “discrimination and inhumanity” of the marriage amendment, “but also to address the many inequities we seem to be building into our communities.”

No Big Surprise Here: Arizona's Biggest Homophobe Is Also A Big Fat Bully Herself

Ahhh jeeze, one of Arizona's nastiest, most homophobic godbotherers has waddled her way back into the spotlight, making news again, this time for killing SB 1462, an anti-bullying measure that was approved in the state Senate with bi-partisan support.

Why, pray-tell, would a "good Christian" like Cathi Herrod want to squash a bill that would have set up a system for reporting bullying on school campuses and programs to educate administrators, teachers and students on the dangers of bullying and how to spot it?  Well because Cathi Herrod, a heavyweight lobbyist and president of the Center for Arizona Policy, believes there is a grand conspiracy afoot for gays to "gain access to our schools and to our children."

And when Cathi Herrod decides something is not good for Arizona's children, like protecting them from the devastating affects of bullying, then Cathi Herrod, "good Christian" that she is, makes sure a bill like that dies before it ever sees the light of day. Because as we all know, it is better to take the chance that some Arizona children will get the living sh*t beat out of them than to take the chance that a "cultural acceptance and affirmation of homosexual lifestyles" might take root with this generation of children.

And shame on all those big-talkin, faux-macho, gun-totin, good ole boy Republicans in the Arizona legislature who wet their pants in utter fear the moment they heard Godzilla Herrod enter the halls of the state capital. What a bunch of cowardly toads for caving on this bill. They showed us once and for all why its 24-7 talk about guns, guns, and more guns. They're scared sh*tless of their own shadows --- and of Cathi Herrod. Good job you idiots, you can talk tough all you want, but now we know what you really are: a bunch of gutless wimps.